It’s been a bit scary lately, to let you in on some of my vulnerabilities and mood swings, since I have been self-taught from a very young age to appear “all-together” no matter what is going on inside.  I’ve realized in recent months, though, how it creates a veil between myself and the people in my life, and though that veil was probably useful to me at some point, it is no longer necessary.  I say this in no way to pass off responsibility for my feelings; I realize that I may not always like the response I get when I show myself less than perfectly together.  But I always appreciate it.  I’m learning to know my fear and not try to spirit it away, not try to shut it out of my peripheral vision, or even to let it scare me.  But to let it inform me.  Show me where I am at my leading edge, where I am pushing my own envelope.  And help me find the compassion and strength within myself to take one step further.

Tonight I went for a walk in the chilly almost-autumn evening, plugged into my iPhone and listening to the audiobook of Walking In This World: The Practical Art of Creativity by Julia Cameron, one of my longtime creative spirit guides.  So far it is full of gentle and not-so-gentle reminders about the “just do it” of creative life, and I am grateful to say that more and more I am able to nod in agreement from experience.  Do you know how it feels when you trudge and hike up a mountain, and all the while you have only noticed one patch of earth after another under your feet until suddenly – you look over your shoulder and register the mountain that you have scaled?  That is how I feel as I look back over the last several years of heartbreaking creative block that I was trapped under.  Only now do I realize the grip of fear and paralysis I created for myself, simply by building up a reservoir of false beliefs and allowing my Not Good Enough monster to roar and cackle unchecked.  Now that I am back to creating, I am tuning in almost moment by moment to make sure I’m giving life to the impulses and not the fears, showing up with fierce loyalty to the voice coming through me.  It is my life’s purpose to create.  I will not back down.

So as beloved Autumn approaches, I will take more walks in the crisp blue air and revel in the wisdom of blazing trees who never hang on to anything for too long.  I will envision all of my fears and false beliefs about my creativity as leaves on that tree over there, no longer needed…thinning their stems…being blown away by the cleansing winds…leaving me bare and naked and glistening in pure possibility.