I have deleted my blog post twice now.  I don’t know how to articulate what I’m feeling, probably because I’ve been working hard not to feel it.

Hey, that’s interesting.  That’s potent.  What’s that about?

I don’t want to go.  That’s what it’s about, silly.

Today I spent a blessed day with Eric and our dear friend Pixie, who trekked a ten-hour roundtrip today, to shoot a session of photos celebrating our engagement.  I have been excited about it for weeks, poring over blogs and looking for the right look and feel that I wanted.  And that, it turns out, was a bad idea.  Because the day arrived and it was the grayest day we’ve had so far this winter.  And it was really, really cold.  And all of a sudden Eric’s planned outfit didn’t look right and we went in a completely different direction.  And we had planned to shoot outdoors so that was the camera Pixie brought.  And did I mention that it was really cold?  Like, my-feet-still-haven’t-completely-thawed cold?  And the props didn’t really work the way I’d hoped.  And I forgot how hard it is to look natural in front of a camera, especially when you have been dreaming of looking a certain way but you haven’t seen how, when you try to look that certain way, your particular face looks a little like you just smelled a fart.

Oh, thank God.  A little levity at last.  We needed that.

And so, despite the fact that I spent a pretty good chunk of precious time with Pixie and my beloved Eric, and despite the fact that Pixie actually managed to capture a lot of totally lovely moments, I see tonight that my expectations got me stressed and focused on outcome rather than enjoying the flow of process.  In short, I cared more about how the pictures turned out than I did about actually being there in the moment, loving Eric as I do, with all my heart and soul, and letting his love touch my heart, and sharing that magic with Pixie so she could scoop it out of the air for us.

Isn’t that too bad?  Because the moments feel especially precious to me right now.  On Tuesday morning I will kiss Eric goodbye, go to Korea, and count down the days from sixty until I’m home again.  It’s not that long a time, in the grand scheme of things.  Many, many people are undergoing much worse, I am reminded as I think of Bob and the ten-or-so months he and his wife counted down until their Marine son came home from Afghanistan.  I am grateful for this unique and rewarding adventure.  And even though all these things are true…right now, I don’t want to go.

That’s right, it’s okay to hold the opposites.  And the lesson, Beloved?  The learning?

That the moments do fleet by, do they not?  And if I wasn’t facing this departure, maybe I wouldn’t have realized the moments I miss in the name of perfection and expectation.  Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling with quite the same sweetness what it’s like to want to share my life, my moments, my self with an other.  With a particular other.  Right now.  As I face a year of profound transformation, maybe this trip to Korea is here to set the stage for me, to focus me on these tremendous gifts of life that I have said yes to – love, marriage, family, home – and to remind me of the million honeyed reasons why I have proclaimed that resounding yes.

Maybe so. It’s not the type of question that gets posed and resolved in the space of a blog post, you know.

Funny.

But this is a very good beginning.

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